I'm gonna have a badass scar
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize