I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
