Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
