I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
