Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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