Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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