So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
