Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
