I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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