When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
