we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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