im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
