My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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