i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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