She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
