i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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