My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
