When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
