I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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