My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
