This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
