i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
