I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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