Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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