I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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