i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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