I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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