You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
