The maid of honor just puked.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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