Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
