Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
