A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
