I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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