Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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