My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
