If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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