new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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