i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
