I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
