when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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