I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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