how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
