there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
