I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You work out of a Hotel?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
