So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
