I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
