hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
