I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
