The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
