i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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