i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
