I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
