You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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