It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
