I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
