Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
