I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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