I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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