Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize