wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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