My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
